Staying In: From One Coronavirus Quarantiner, To All Of You

They say it jumped species—from a bat to a human. We forget how close we are to some animals. We forget that we are animals. Not invincible. That we can fall prey to our own strength: our interconnectedness.

In a matter of weeks, the world went from a spiderweb of intercontinental flights, taking off multiple times each day, to only a smattering of half-full vessels that nervously crossed borders, sanitizing as they went. Have you seen in the movies, in Mad Men, how flying was such a big deal only a few decades ago? Now any old schmuck can lace up his sneakers and get on a flight to Aruba or wherever. Anyone can visit Paris. You could have a layover in Shanghai for dinner.

You can live, as I do, in Australia, on the exact opposite end of the world from the family that raised you. You can be forced to cancel the trip you have planned to bring your newborn daughter to meet her grandparents and aunts and uncle—because that part of the world has become a hotzone for sickness.

They thought, It can’t happen here, we’re not Europe, we’re not China, we’re something else. More modern. Didn’t they think? More sensible, surely, we are. Resistant, maybe.

They were not. Nobody is resistant.

They say that birds are now building nests on the patios of skyrise apartment complexes in Taipei. They say that, after two weeks of the city being shut down, you can see clear to the bottom of the canals in Venice.


Years from now, we will talk about this coronavirus as a defining event. There was before, then there was after. After is when we understood our own collective mortality. When we knew not to take for granted the ability to hop on a plane and visit loved ones in another country.

When we could hug. Meet a friend at a wine bar. Go to a dance class. Listen to a podcast about something random on our headphones, on a packed subway car, headed to work. Send our kids to school. Flirt with the barista. Dine in a restaurant. Wash dishes in our restaurant.

We have been stripped to near survival mode. That said, I live in a unique situation—we live on a farm, which grows vegetables. Although we still get many of our kitchen staples at grocery stores, we are already in near isolation. Social distancing, for us, in South Australia, mostly means not seeing friends, not going to restaurants, and my husband’s restaurant converting to a vegetable box service.

But it also means that we will not be taking our planned trip during the Australian winter to the Northern hemisphere, where we would have connected with other natural winemakers and industry leaders, heard updates from their countries, and shared the warmth that comprises the natural wine movement. In a way, regular travel has sometimes helped us feel more assured in what we do here in Australia. Knowing that other people are also making sulfur-free, organic, no-intervention wine, despite the challenges, is comforting.

However, my husband and I have nothing to complain about, as long as we and our 3.5-month-old baby girl are safe and healthy. So far, we have been truly lucky in terms of this virus. Canceling a trip is a minor inconvenience.

It’s hard not to think of all this as the world begging us to slow down, to pause—especially as it’s come on the heels of massive, apocalyptic bushfires that raged across Australia, destroying vineyards and farms and homes and making us all feel helpless in the face of nature’s random cruelty. And so I am choosing to think of the coronavirus pandemic as the world’s desperate urging to Just. Stop. Moving. Stop working. Stop producing and consuming culture. It’s not that it’s all bad. it’s that it’s become excessive, out of control, almost like white noise, rather than something we truly notice and understand as we experience it.

Our biggest hope is that the virus starts to decline soon, and that scientists find a cure, and a vaccine, as quickly as they can. The medical workers on the frontlines of this crisis deserve an end to the long, dangerous hours they are pulling, and soon. If anyone has been sick or lost someone, my heart goes out to you. To those who haven’t experienced this yet, I urge you to boost your immune system by eating well, sleeping, and practicing yoga in your home. Staying inside and riding this out is a real way to do your part.


I wrote this in part because I’ve been feeling like I “should be productive.” It’s an annoying feeling. I just finished a massive book proposal, had a baby, and made several wines. That should be more than enough. And yet, even as the world tells me to slow down and just be, my mind is flying in so many directions, looking for ways to “produce” things in response to this horrible crisis.

Are any of you feeling that way? If so, you’re not alone. I think we are all so addicted to the rush of capitalism. It’s very difficult to just switch off. We’re used to the slog of working full-time just to get two weeks of vacation. Or if you’re self-employed like me (running a magazine and a winery), then you have long ago forgotten about a five-day work week, or leaving the “office” at 6pm—and rather, you are constantly on.

Every morning for the past few weeks, I instinctively reach for my phone. The people I live with and I gather and drink coffee and react emotionally to the coronavirus updates. Sometimes it’s shock. Other times it’s sorrow. Often it is anger at the way President Trump has bungled his handling of the virus, to the peril of many. And slowly it is becoming resigned, to this new reality: that we can do almost nothing except stay at home and do things here. There will be no socializing. We cannot show our guests from abroad (who now plan to be here for an indeterminate time) the sights or our favorite local restaurants. My husband’s restaurant, The Summertown Aristologist, may at some point close for good. We have no idea when we’ll take our baby to meet family in the U.S. No idea when or if I’ll get to host the natural wine tour I‘ve got planned for Italy. I really really hope the tour does happen, because I want so much to bring tourism into Italy, now more than ever, knowing how the country will be reeling from this virus. I don’t know when I’ll see my best friend who lives in Paris, and her toddler. Everything has been thrown into question.

One thing we do know: when we can once again travel, dine out, warmly greet acquaintances, and enter a sweaty subway car or outdoor plaza full of strangers of all shapes and sizes hailing from all corners of the earth, we will do all these things with the deepest, fullest appreciation. Being human doesn’t make us above getting sick. Our species is immune to nothing. And our greatest weakness may also be our strength: our persistent need for each other.



Hunger And Thirst: Roxane Gay x Oriol Artigas

Welcome to my first edition of #aperohourweekly in many months!

Recently, I’ve been reading a lot of memoir and marvelling at the way that a well-written account of someone’s life, despite being entirely personal, can have universal ramifications. American writer Roxane Gay’s 2017 Hunger is testament to how the so-called “obesity epidemic” in the U.S. (and elsewhere) requires a broad, cultural shift in order to address its roots. It’s also a book about trauma and sexual assault. Anyone who has experienced either will strongly identify with Gay’s quest to overcome their impact on her life. But the book has lessons for those who have not been subject to such difficulties — because chances are, someone you know has.

Disordered eating was extremely prevalent when I was growing up. Teen women’s magazines were enjoying popularity, and they all promoted weight-loss and idolized thin models and celebrities. Fiona Apple’s anorexic body writhed like a snake in her music video, Criminal. On the TV show Friends, Jennifer Aniston went from probably a size 10 to a 6 over the course of a few seasons, and her colleague Courtney Cox was presumably anorexic for years. I loved the show Ally McBeal, whose shockingly thin protagonist seemed to live off air and occasional pints of ice cream.

In high school, I had a close friend who began working out both before and after school. At lunch she was seen eating grapes. Within months, she was a skeleton, with fuzzy hair all over her arms. Everyone complimented her. Other friends talked constantly about how imperfect their bodies were. At sixteen, we were often on diets. I had my own struggles with disordered eating.

Roxane Gay was not propelled into disordered eating merely because of cultural influences. She experienced an absolutely shattering sexual assault at the age of 12. Her life was altered forever, and she turned to food as her outlet. At her heaviest, she weighed 577 pounds.

Hunger is a brutally honest portrayal of Gay’s trauma, ongoing suffering, overeating, and attempts to heal herself. It also shares perspective on being “fat” in a society that worships thinness and fitness. The book is not a weight-loss success story; Gay is still “a woman of size,” as she puts it, and continues to struggle with her initial trauma.

Gay attends “fat camps” as a teenager, runs away from her Ivy League education to work as a phone-sex operator while exploring her queerness, considers gastric bypass surgery, and continues overeating and dating people who mistreat her, believing she deserves such abuse. Over time, Gay recounts in the book, she begins to find some joy in cooking. As I read about her suffering, I was waiting for this sliver of hope. I still remember, in university, when I lived with four amazing fellow students (all women) who loved to cook — and I don’t mean just throwing pasta into water. We made lasagna, shepherd’s pie, and roast chicken, all from scratch. We drank wine as we prepared our meal. We cooked for ourselves, not for boyfriends, because we wanted to eat well. We deserved it.

It was still some years before I completely embraced the pleasure of eating well, partly because for most of my twenties, I struggled to pay rent and tuition, and food seemed like an excessive luxury. But over time, I began visiting the Union Square farmer’s market, in New York. I stopped feeling guilty whenever I ate a proper, balanced dinner at a cafe, rather than shoving 2-dollar falafel or 1-dollar pizza into my mouth on the way to the library for a night of studying.

When I discovered natural wine, I found a new level of deliciousness, and an extreme form of pleasure that became a point-of-no-return for me. Once I understood the bottom line of these wines — organic farming, ethical production, minimal additions — my entire lifestyle was transformed. Understanding natural wine as a product of environmentally-conscious artisanship carried over into what I ate: I began to deeply consider the origins of the food I bought, prepared, and ate, every day.

As my friendships formed around natural wine, I found a community with which to share my newfound love for gastronomic enjoyment. I remember the first time I splurged on a dining experience: my friends and I went to Contra, the Lower East Side tasting menu restaurant where only natural wine is served. We each paid $200 and it was the most enthralling experience I’d had in recent years. Yes, I had student loans to pay, and it was harder to make rent that month — but I felt that the meal had enriched me as much as seeing a great work of theater or months of psychotherapy might.

I chose a wine from Oriol Artigas to pair alongside Roxane Gay’s book — but honestly, it was chosen at random. It could have been any great natural wine. The point I wanted to make is that reading Hunger helped me relive my own struggles to love myself, to feed and nurture myself healthfully, and to believe that I deserve pleasure, just because I am human.

In some moments, it was hard for me to read Gay’s words — because as much as she says she hates being hugged by strangers, hates cooking for herself, and feels reluctant about eating healthy and working out, I wanted to assure her that all of these things can actually bring true joy on a daily basis, and that they can make life worth living, or at least more bearable.

Oriol Artigas makes natural wine in an area called Alella, north of Barcelona. His wines are undoubtedly full of joy. He holds down a job teaching at an oenology school in order to pursue his passion for natural winemaking. He isn’t living a life of luxury. But that’s largely what natural wine is — people who have really found joy in these lighthearted, quirky wines, and devoted themselves to them in pursuit of the utmost pleasure. It’s a pleasure that also revolves around an ethically and socially minded community, rather than pure hedonism.

I happened to have Oriol’s wine handy because it’s featured in Pipette Magazine Issue 4, which has printed and is shipping now — you can order your copy online, or find it at a stockist in your town.

We all have to deny ourselves pleasure, sometimes. But my experiences have taught me that the joy of eating and drinking well can carry over into every other aspect of our lives. We can learn self-care by changing how we eat and drink. And we can support each other in these goals. I am grateful to every roommate or colleague I had who cooked with me or went halves with me to splurge on a bottle of wine.

I wish more young people could be exposed to gastronomic pleasures. I really suffered during my adolescent years of disordered eating. If they had gone on longer, they could have had lasting or even permanent detriments to my physical health. “Thinness” is bullshit. Enjoying real food, sharing great wine, and finding joy in self-care are true beacons in this world.

Roxane Gay has written several books of fiction as well as the highly-acclaimed 2014 essay collection Bad Feminist, which I look forward to reading sometime. I think Hunger does justice to the reality that so many of us have experienced at one point, to a certain degree: that American society has a really unhealthy and contradictory approach to eating and body image. Although that may be changing in certain subcultures, broader society is still hung-up on weight-loss TV shows and Jenny Craig plans, stuck in a cycle of self-punishment and longing for an unattainable body.

Thanks for reading this #aperohourweekly post! I hope I’ll be sharing these write-ups more regularly now. You can follow the tag below to find previous editions. Also see the “Natural Wine Producer Profiles” section to find in-depth stories about winemakers. And subscribe to Pipette (print-only) if you want to learn more about the natural wine movement!

Impressions of Italy, Because I Miss It, a la Renata Adler

In my five-day “intensive Italian course” in Milan, we learned the difference between a “trattoria” — an inexpensive, family-run restaurant — and “osteria” — traditionally, where men would bring in their own food and drink the house wine, a privilege for which they paid a small fee, hence the origin of the ubiquitous “cover charge” now found throughout Italy, which today includes bread and filtered water.

The teacher, an energetic woman in her early thirties, responded this way when one student asked her what she thought about pineapple-topped pizza, which she had purportedly eaten the night before:

“Va bene, va bene, oh poor Italia. I think” — this is my translation — “that pineapple on pizza, it cannot be. No, this is not pizza. You ate that, here in Milan? Oh, it cannot be. I think that’s the end — poor Italia.”

Two nights later, a friend asked me to come with her to her new favorite local pizza place. From our table, we watched the pizzaiolo swirling dough in the air before topping it and giving it fire in the neapolitano oven. We wound up ordering a pizza with black olives, nduja, and provolone. What would my Italian teacher think? I wondered, feeling guilty as I ate a slice.

I went to the Fondazione Prada, mostly just to have the famous pink cake at Bar Luce. Then I decided to tour the museum. Every time I tried to go in one direction, someone stopped me and told me I was in the “special exhibits” section.

The “permanent” section was in a tall building, and I walked up many, many flights of stairs, only to find myself staring a collection of brightly-colored stainless steel shapes: the bouquet of tulips, a larger and more recent version of which Jeff Koons made as a commission for the city of Paris. The mayor rejected it upon the revelation that he was only “gifting the idea” of the sculpture and expected Paris to pay 3.5 million Euro for its installation. I huffed and puffed, exhausted from the heat and the labyrinthine museum, and wondered if I was the only person who felt that Wes Anderson’s cake was more interesting than the artwork.

At the apartment where I was staying, the floor of the building consisted of a mosaic of multi-colored tiles. The Italians, I thought — every day they walk on art.



Turin was the capital of Savoy, from 1563 until the risorgimiento, and then it became the first capital of Italy. My friend Gaba and I danced through the 16th-century Palazzo, craning our necks at the domed ceiling, pretending our shoes were good enough for those aristocratic floors. We left the building parched, and immediately ate gelatos, after which we felt much butter.

Late at night, we stood in Piazza Vittorio Emmanuele, and read the late king’s Wikipedia entry. We shuddered at the way his reign handed itself over to fascism, imagining that moment like a dark cloud that hung over Italy for decades. Gaba and I had both recently finished Elena Ferrante’s quartet of novels, and we recalled the scenes in which undercover fascist thugs cause communist gatherings to turn violent.

We often remarked over our 10-Euro aperitivo meals (artichoke crostini, horse tartare that only Gaba was brave enough to pick at, a spritz for me and a Negroni for her) that we were uncannily like the novels’ protagonists, Elena and Lila. But their friendship ended in silent, painful mistrust. Only novels, we reminded ourselves.




From our hotel in Castello we walked, pausing quickly at the little bakery for a frothy cappuccino, to the vaporetto stop. The boat came quickly and we boarded, crossing our fingers we had the direction correct. Twenty minutes later, we arrived to Lido. We headed toward the beach along a street full of restaurants and bars. I pointed at some neon-colored, frozen drinks being served out of a machine.

We asked for one of each color, with rum added. They were strong as hell, so we bought ourselves some tramenzzini, and the little crustless sandwiches filled our bellies just enough. At the beach, we paid 20 Euro for chairs under an umbrella, and then raced over the sand, which was scalding. We had to stop once in the shade of someone else’s umbrella just to generate more strength to run again through the hot sand.

We left the beach in the late afternoon to find a small lunch shack, where we ordered melon-and-proscuitto salad and piadinas. The abandoned Hotel des Bains, once luxurious beach-side lodging, now a vacant shell of previous times, owned by some distant Saudis, beckoned us to sneak over the fence and inside — but our sunburns had exhausted us.

We gazed through the gates at the hotel, where Thomas Mann stayed in 1911, and which inspired his novel Death In Venice. Would it still be here, the next time we returned to Lido, we wondered — or will it be torn down, replaced by something shiny and new?

There is a Burger King now, in Venice. People eat their American fast food hamburgers while walking in sneakers over streets that are over a thousand years old.




Mostly, when I feel this strange sensation that I deeply miss Italy, a place I have only traveled and rather briefly, it comes to me as a smear of all these moments, brushed together into a blurry combined memory, like Renata Adler’s Speedboat, like a gelato with too many flavors. You have to lick it up before it melts.

What Does It Mean To Be A “Critic” In Wine And Food Writing?

the store Uncommon Objects, in Austin, TX

Most of the time, writing on this blog is like dancing alone in my living room; nobody sees me except, perhaps, a few dozen onlookers clustered in the apartment across the way, who casually glance over as I flail around clumsily, to some tune they can’t hear, or the proverbial beat of my own drum.

In other words, I write here for the small group of readers (for whom I’m extremely grateful) that are interested in my voice, my writing. I am not, by any means, the most authoritative perspective on wine and food in the world; my writing here is often diluted, or hastily composed due to the fact that I am far overworked, and it’s also probably a bit snarky from time to time, which might be derived from my overall neurotic composure thanks to almost nine years of living in New York City. This blog was never really meant to be a blog; I always saw myself as a journalist, and used this site as a portfolio for prospective editors. When an audience came, I was glad, but it wasn’t something I’d fished for, and I also wasn’t quite sure what to do with it.

Which is all to say: it’s very startling to, suddenly, have large numbers of people watching me dance. All my awkward moves are revealed, my lack of formal training and my imperfect sense of rhythm. An artist would have to navigate such an impromptu performance with only the highest level of confidence, or she would fail immediately; weakness would take over, she would be booed offstage.

When I wrote a response to Bianca Bosker’s piece last week, I was very emotionally moved, as if her article had somehow been affront to me personally. That said, my response wasn’t entirely impulsive; first, I let a few days go by after her article came out, and I read what other people had written and asked myself if I really wanted to chime in, as people were already posting rebuttals. But then what I wrote came out so quickly, and it just felt right. It was like those moments on the dance floor when you’re just in the flow and your body knows what direction to move in, you don’t need to guide it. 

It may have been impassioned in a good way, and people do seem to have appreciated my take on the Times article (and I do stand by what I said–I really, really do love natural wine and it’s important to me that people are at least aware of its presence, if they are in the slightest bit interested in such things) but I don’t feel like I gave the most elegant performance. I feel there could have been a slightly more . . . rehearsed way of doing it, perhaps?

Sweeping aside the dance analogy for now (although I’m having fun with it), I want to reflect on the role of criticism within wine and food writing. Typically, the idea is that we, the writers, are all out here critiquing the producers and the makers, the winemakers and the chefs, the restaurants, and so on. Criticism, in this vein, is sort of the highest form of service journalism; we’re directing people who already have some level of good taste (because they are reading food or wine writing in the first place) to the experiences and things they will probably appreciate. The same goes for art, music, film criticism.

But what about criticism amongst us writers? How best can we approach this?

Tonight, triggered unsuspectingly by a photo (above) that I took in a shop in Austin, Texas, where I was visiting for an assignment last week, I went rummaging through my old college and grad school books. God, it’s been a long time since I read some of this stuff. After poring through a few sections of James Agee’s Let Us Now Praise Famous Men and Baudrillard’s America, I found my dog-eared copy of All That Is Solid Melts Into Air, a canonical study of Marx by the late Marshall Berman, who taught at CUNY. As if by magic, I opened to a page where I had underlined this quote:

“Criticism, as [Marx] understood it, was part of an ongoing dialectical process. It was meant to be dynamic, to drive and inspire the person criticized to overcome both his critics and himself, to propel both parties toward a new synthesis. Thus, to unmask phony claims of transcendence is to demand and fight for real transcendence.”

I read this, and it sank in: my response to Bianca felt wrong because I hadn’t proposed any kind of synthesis. Instead, I’d been defensive and polarizing.

When Bianca’s article came out, a lot of people brought it into the current political context by calling out, “fake news!” And then the other day, someone commented on a blog post about my writing (ugh, yes, we’re all blogging about each other’s blog posts now), again: “fake news”–!! We’re pointing fingers at each other, rather than looking for transcendence. We’re of the misguided belief that to critique means to be “against” someone; and that the only other choice is to “like” someone (literally, to give them likes on Instagram, etc, to be a follower/supporter). In other words, we think we either have to be nice, on someone’s “team,” or we are against. I don’t want that, and I don’t think it’s productive if we as a group of writers, focused on food and wine, or any group of writers, are to achieve anything with our efforts. I’m not really happy with the way it came out that you had, on one side, the “natural wine defenders,” and on the other side, supposedly, Bianca and all the supposed “natural wine haters.” This doesn’t seem like the right configuration, and it makes the phrase “natural wine” (which I use all the goddamn time, lacking a better signifier for the genre of wines I enjoy and want others to know about) seem even hollower than it already is. (Thank you, Blake, for pointing out this pointless dichotomy.)

Criticism, more so now than ever, should serve to make us better at what we do. It’s not about pinpointing “fake news” and scapegoating the author of such prose. Antonio Gramsci famously spoke of “pessimism of the intellect, optimism of the will.” How can we better apply an effectively critical mindset when regarding other writers’ work?

I don’t know, quite yet. But I’m thinking about it. What I do know is, if my super left-wing grad school professor–who wore all black and knew Das Kapital the way some Master Somms know their vintage charts–knew that I was using Marx and Gramsci in this context, he would probably try to revoke my M.A. in anthropology. As long as I get my money back, I would be totally OK with that. Then again, I do still appreciate these books.

Writing About Women In Wine

Arianna Occhipinti, who I shared some pizza and Cerasuolo with in Sicily this fall
Arianna Occhipinti, whom I shared some pizza and Cerasuolo with in Sicily this fall

Recently, PUNCH (one of my fave websites about booze) published a really thoughtful essay on how female winemakers are portrayed differently than their male counterparts. Specifically, the author is talking about so-called “rebel” winemakers, who are working independently (no corporate funding), and often making low-intervention, natural wines.

The author is pointing out that, when it comes to female winemakers of this ilk, instead of calling them rebels, the focus is on their community-building efforts, or “an intense focus on their own projects rather than an attempt to fit themselves into a larger, more epic narrative — a sense of being not so much anti-establishment as not-of-the-establishment.”

Two of my articles are linked in this piece; one, a round-up of natural wine restaurants across the country, which included bottle recommendations from their wine directors, is called out as an example of how rarely female winemakers are acknowledged — because only one of the wine directors chose a wine made by a woman. This, of course, has nothing to do with my writing, but I will just say that I don’t really think wine directors focus very much on the gender of the winemaker, as much as how the wine actually tastes, its price point, and so on. When you see an amazing film, you’re not more impressed by it if it was made by a woman, right?  Read more

Poem of Lines From My Diary, inspired by Sheila Heti

A clean slate.

Afterward, I met people at Jimmy’s, put on a good face, drowned out the sorrow.

Afterward we ate and then headed to Superfine in DUMBO.

All such a blur!

An eye for an eye.

And how long it took me to see that they are my demons, not the world’s.

And I don’t want to change that, it’s who I am.

And I think it really helped her.

Aren’t mine just silly anxieties, puffy clouds that dissipate when you touch them?

Blah, overall.

Boom, boom, boom.

But anyway, it’s only temporary.

But good food, great sex.

But I will miss him so much.

But it also felt like that supposed moment right before death, when your entire life flashes before your eyes.

But maybe that says more about me than about them.

But whatever.

Classic Gemini.

Completely and totally broken, for good.

Every moment now feels very full and I love that.

Everything is like a blur!

Everything is so intense right now.

Fiercely independent but also loyal.

Find something to do there?

Generosity is important, work toward this.

Give it up.

He drank three beers and ordered French fries; I had one beer and apple pie.

He hasn’t cooked for me in a long time.

He was so strong and reassuring and encouraging in a way I’ve never seen him be before.

Here’s one: me sitting in a café in Paris, dressed in a nice blouse, skirt, bare legs, wooden-soled sandals, lipstick.

Hungry, restless.

I am only now realizing what I have, what is here for me.

I am paralyzed without a laptop.

I can’t stop writing!

I feel uptight, tense.

I hope it’s not cheesy but it probably will be.

I leave for India on Sunday.

I liked it but not loved.

I loved it; was exhilarating!

I must be submitting myself to this in order to avoid tackling something in my life.

I’m almost too tired to write.

I’m doing everything, all at once, and it’s confusing.

I’m glad to be alive, I want it all.

I’m so fucking tired of being on schedule, all the time.

I can’t believe how I can go on loving him more and more, despite all his faults.

I can’t imagine running a marathon and losing my legs.

I feel sad.

I must learn to be a more relaxed person: softer, gentler.

I need a new setting, new places to explore, new things to learn.

I think I know, but maybe I don’t really know.

I think so.

I want to read more poetry.

I write by candlelight.

Instead of working on that, I’m sitting here complaining into this adorable leather-bound notebook like a spoiled little girl.

Intense week.

It comes naturally to me.

It makes me so happy.

It refreshed my desire to do journalism.

It was a very strange day for me.

It was strong and it will send me forward.

It went very well, felt natural.

It’s a scary thought, in some ways.

It’s posh, chic, beautiful.

It’s selfish and stupid and disgusting.

Kind of staring into space.

Let it go!

Life is full.

Listen to yourself, work hard, stop making excuses.

Love/hate him.

Many cocktails.

Maybe I should just let myself be wild.

My body feels open and good.

My consciousness is stimulated, active.

My house feels crowded, strange.

Nature is perfect.

Nice, but kinda boring, same old.

Noise bothers me.

Now, a new thought: am I bored, done with New York?

OH, feeling a little better.

Or am I stuck?

Or should I stop expecting because it is more realistic that they may never come?

People are strange obstacles.

Rose early to get to New Jersey for my great-aunt’s funeral.

Snowstorm on country roads after visiting the Norman Rockwell museum.

Someday that will be me.

Tension immediately.

That was an interesting, thankfully brief glimpse of the murky, networked, literary machine.

The bombs went off in a section of the race that had been dedicated to Newtown families.

The food was dismal but the gathering was worthwhile.

The important stuff has been said.

The moon is full tonight.

Then again maybe I should just dive in.

Then came home, made Passover dinner for twenty people!

There is agency, and divine will, too; they are not separate.

Then just before she made a move to get a divorce, he came at her with a baseball bat.

There was a sinking feeling, and jealousy.

There will be attitude change.

There will be dancing.

They are strong, brilliant women, teaching by example.

This country, everything drying up.

Today’s lesson was, don’t try to be in two places at once.

Typing furiously on my laptop with a glass of wine beside it.

Use less mind.

Very intense.

We are having a spell of very cold weather.

We need to make the most out of this experience.

We were laughing and yelling so much that the hostel owner had to tell us to go to bed.

Went for a long run after babysitting.

What do I hope to accomplish?

What will be said about me in the future?

What’s holding me back?

Where could I possibly fit in in the literary world?

Will be challenging and rewarding.

Will I cry, feel lonely?

Will I ever get myself out of this mess?

Work is going well.

Wrote a blog post.

You know how to do this.

Hello to All This

“In an era when rents are spiking, book advances shrinking and magazines shuttering, New York may no longer be a necessary destination for the young writer, she acknowledged. It may not even be a feasible one.” – NYT


Growing up, my theater arts teacher was my mentor. She was a beautiful, hardworking woman, a single mother and creative genius, and role model to us all. Her theater was a haven for those of us who didn’t fit in: the freaks, the homos, the artsy types. We found ourselves in her rehearsal space, in the scripts we wrote.

Although our teacher knew that she did so much for us, gave us a place to come out of our shell and use our talents, she resented her position in life as a mere public high school teacher. She always wished she’d tried harder, been more. She definitely had the talent. So what was it that she’d done wrong?

I remember so clearly: the look in her eyes when she talked about living in New York City, taking workshops with Uta Hagen and trying to get professional acting gigs. And when she said that she’d always regretted leaving New York City too early. That if she’d just stayed longer . . . who knew what her life might have become?


I could leave. Read more