I am a language you never learned, an unsolved mathematical equation. I am spontaneous, worthy of exclamation marks. I am the perfect Shakespeare adaptation, the perfect glass of wine. I am them, I am you. I am conversations you overheard in a coffee shop. I am organic and cage-free. I am lethargy, I am inert. I am trying to tell you too many things. I am olden and sophisticated. I was here before you. I’m not to be trusted! I’m potato, not potahto. I’m your family’s rabbi, I’m a mensch. I’ve seen many things. I heard all about it, they were discussing it all day. I’ve never been to Rome. I’ve never seen the Taj Mahal. I’ve never seen the Mona Lisa. I learned it all in the Marines. I know! I don’t know. I dunno. I mean, I know. I said that yesterday, it’s like déjà vu. I said that yesterday, it’s like déjà vu. I don’t know what I would do without spell check. I’m unsure of what you mean. I’m sorry. I forgive you. I regret to announce. I’m here to inform you. I’m your worst nightmare. I’ve never, but I will. I think it’s best. I’m upset. I’m hurt. I wanted to, but you wouldn’t let me. I still believe it was the right thing. I still miss you. I still haven’t met him. I haven’t been there. I haven’t skied the Alps. I haven’t visited Tokyo. I’ve never had caviar. I haven’t decided. I haven’t any money. I haven’t much time. I’ve had enough. I have some thoughts about your e-mail. I have some suggestions. I have an answer to your inquiry. I have an idea. I have a hunch. I have it! I have your keys, you left them on the desk. I have issues with the way we do things around here. I have a meeting. I have somewhere to be. I have this thing. I have a thing for you. I have the hots for you. I have to go to work. I work too much. I work like a horse. I work from home. I work for an asshole. I work my butt off. I work on drawings. I work on a laptop. I work well with others. I’m working on it. I’m working on being a better person. I’m working on a cruise ship this summer. I’m working uptown and living downtown. I’m surfing in the ocean, I’m climbing up a palm tree, I’m lounging in a hammock. I’m this thing you talked about when you were young, then forgot about as you grew older. I’m back. I’m uncool. I’m dubious. I’m cloudy, I’m dense. I’m underneath you. I’m over there. I’m in Aisle 7, next to the Band-Aids. I’m the girl-next-door. I want you to know that it was me who left flowers on your doorstep. I want you to know that I will never forget all you did for me. I want you to know that I will always love you. I am recyclable and biodegradable. I’m artisanal. I’m local. I swear, if you keep saying that! I am non-denominational and I am Orthodox. I’m pretty sure that we met before, at that party, with the hot tub, and you said you went to college with my sister, and I’m much older now than when I knew you, when you knew me, and I think I loved you in the future. I am the future. I’m con-temp-OH-rary. I’m hollowed out, dry, deboned. I’m married. I’m drowning. I’m queen for the day! I have fears about getting my hair cut. I have a low credit score. I have low self-esteem. I have low blood sugar. I miss out on everything. I have fear of missing out. I miss my brother who died in Iraq. I miss my ancestors who died in Auschwitz. I’m fighting for my freedom! I’m not true, which makes me even truer. I’ll never take the same route twice. I’ll never know what it could have been. I always take my coffee with cream. I always order my hamburger medium-rare. I always listen when you talk. I am old forest. I am still, let me be still! I’m still trying to understand what you are talking about. I’m truly confused. I wouldn’t have done that, if I were you! I think we need to take a step back. I think about it all the time. I think South Africa has come a long way. I think Basquiat took art with him into the grave. I think Americans watch too much TV. I think American cars are shitty, especially Buicks. I think this blow is laced with PCP. I think you gave me herpes. I’ve heard you say that so many times. I wish you’d been there. I wish you were here. I wish things could be some other way. I wish we’d ordered more food. I wish I could tell you about it. I would tell you something else. I could tell that you were mad. I could never do something like that. I’m pregnant. I’m hungover. I’m sure. I’m tired. I’m ruined. I’m lost. I’m done. I’ll see you later.